What I Want:

I want to be able to get my adidas red cap.
to go temple tomorrow morning or early afternoon to pray for gd results.
to meet up with ali&pei soon, preferably b4 results day aka d-day.
to treat my family&friends something nice and even though highly budget-based.
to finish my work @SP asap.
to buy beads frm AMK central to make my own accessories. Go creativity!!!
to study LAW in nus, even though I somehow feel that it's very far-fetched.
to study biz management or the likes if I don't make it to Law sch.
to not fall in the category of anything else.
to rid my inability to commit & having the absolute lack of faith in r/s, and get into one.
to earn enough money before reaching 30 to travel and see the world with a companion who has common interests as me.
to have my career take flight and settle down.
to retire happy, and do something meaningful thereafter. I was thinking of going to offer my services to 3rd world countries, seriously.
to die knowing I've fulfilled these simple wishes.


I have so much more desires and wants that could prolly make this list go on forever. But knowing myself, my limits, my ability, I highly doubt if I can ever achieve what I want.. Whatever dreams or wishes or desires I have, I lack the confidence and faith in being able to accomplish them. I always seem to be pessimistic about my future, some how. Even though I often think positive about everything else, I'm always self-defeated, always having lil' faith, especially after being put down by whatever results, whatever insults, or whatever truths my peers tell me. I doubt myself, too much.

It is not the first time that people respond to me in a skeptical and doubtful manner whenever I tell them that I wish to do Law. It's like, they already decided for me that I'm not up to it, that I wouldn't be able to make it, that it's not the path that I should take, that most prolly I am unfit, and disqualified to even try. Sadly, most of them are my gd friends. If they doubt me, how much can I expect from others? My optimism and desire for that diminishes with every doubtful look, it's demoralising really. If you are my peers, it would be better to encourage me I guess. If not, tell me the truth. I think it's already quite tough for me, trying to believe and indoctrinate myself that I do possess the substantials for such a path, imagine feeling defeated altogether with that invisible confirmation from your good friends. Then again, with they cynnicism and doubt, perhaps I am really not suitable for such career paths. I mean, they are the people who know me, sometimes even better than myself. They should know if I'm capable of such feat. Isn't it?

Anyways, did a lil' catching up chap earlier on in the night, it made me go all philosophical and theorified. Made me looked at myself in a whole new perspective, and even allowed me to hear my inner thoughts. Credits solely to myself. I realised that I am an absolute coward when it comes to relationships. Hah, really. It's sadly true. I feel like a wuss.
Because I know I will hurt others, because I know I cannot commit, because I know I have adopted a heck-care attitude, and because I know I am unable to cherish the love&passion in a r/s, I refused to be in one at the moment. For these fears & weaknesses, I do not wish and am afraid. Not that I have much choices to begin with in the first place, but if given the opportunity, I don't think I'll make a gd girlfriend. I'll only end up hurting others, and hurting myself at the very end. What's the point? Perhaps, I've become jaded and hardened. Perhaps, I'm naive and childish. Perhaps, cause I know I am naive and childish, and therefore, ironically matured. I have no idea.

The late night's putting negative and unhealthy thoughts about life in me. I'll just go slp, tml will BE a better day. Yes, tml will be. :)